Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
never forget
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you