okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.