“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?