Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.