okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]