Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff