Okay this one takes it home
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.