Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?