Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!