Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…