Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”