Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.