Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.