old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: