Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi