Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.


3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob


Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.


But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.


brent use the shallow end
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]


PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.


Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.


Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.