Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.