Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”