old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My good tweets are in my other pants.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”