Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Just why bro?!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers