[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played