Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”