OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!