@Storminika

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

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@trevso_electric

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@GreenishDuck

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.