Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.


Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.


“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe


Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.


Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.


The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.