Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.