Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Siri: Retweet me.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
This is my emotional support knife.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.