Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better