Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
this is the best interaction on twitter
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..