Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Important
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
That’s enough internet for the day
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?