Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
omg leave her alone
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right