Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Seas the day!!!!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Someone just threatened to call me later
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.