Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I can’t wait!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.