Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?