Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…