Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”