Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.