Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments