Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?