older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?