Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Baking is just science you can eat.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.