olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said