olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
How is it still this week?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hey i am sexy to you now
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Merica.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks