olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Yup.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*