OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!