OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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