[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math