[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me opening up to someone
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.