Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Good morning, Twitter x
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?