olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.