[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls