“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.