“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
ibopfufen
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw