Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?