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@cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@sixfootcandy

Dentist: Dont eat or drink for
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

@hansabumsadaisy

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@daemonic3

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

@Naked_Superman

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27