@stephaniemain2
@cravin4 Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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@cravin4 
@sixfootcandy Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
@hansabumsadaisy “Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
@UNDEADTRESOR Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
@thenoahkinsey I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
@m00nrocks When does CPR become necrophilia?
@QwertyJones3 “You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
@daemonic3 [dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
@GoldenSpirals I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@Naked_Superman Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27