OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
america, 1969: let鈥檚 put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we鈥檙e gonna put a baby in the sun
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
One minute you鈥檙e young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can鈥檛 skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I鈥檝e noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Since we don鈥檛 get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I鈥檒l just get 5 large bags of candy.
worst鈥ale鈥ver
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Just a reminder, folks:
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
i can鈥檛 believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス forgot how good the sims 4 is
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.