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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”