OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?